I Dream of Soap-Opera-Free Lifestyle
by sudoku
Summary: Neal hated being helpless in the Enchanted Forest. On the plus side, he was also free from the soap opera lifestyle his life had become lately. Or so he thought. Little did he know that Phillip, Mulan, and Aurora had their own soap opera thing going on. Since he was the only one available to talk to and couldn't escape, they all tried to consult him. Implied Swanfire.
1. A guy could only dream

Thanks to the awesome RainMirror for betaing this chapter!

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Neal felt particularly miserable today. Well, people tended to do that after getting shot, especially if the shooter was his fiancée. OK, ex-fiancée, who apparently was an evil mastermind and also seeing someone else right behind his back, or rather, beside his room. To think that Greg's room was just next to his in Granny's was infuriating. _How could he be so blind?_

_When did his life become something out of a soap opera?_

The worse thing was _that_ was _not_ the only aspect out of a soap opera. He was in love with someone else, even had a kid with her eleven years ago unknowingly to him, while he was engaged to the aforementioned fiancée.

He even had a long lost father who was evil to boot. Weren't the fathers usually quite evil in soap operas? Not that he knew a lot about them but he caught glimpses of some when he waited for Emma to finish her shower in a motel or when he got bored waiting for his next job in his Manhattan apartment. Something to dull his mind rather than feel the guilt of sending someone to jail in order to fulfill her destiny and reunite her with her parents.

However, his father was addicted to making deals. He challenged anyone who could come out with such an aspect in soap operas. Besides, usually the father would try his best to separate the hero (he deemed himself as a hero in term of storytelling as he was the main character of his own story, not that he viewed himself as a hero who saved people) from his true love but his father actually wanted him to be with his true love. He was the idiot who had denied his own feelings. He bet there wasn't such a scenario in any soap operas, even in the now very popular K-dramas.

For goodness sake, they had even confessed their love for each other while holding each other's hand over a portal à la Jack and Rose in Titanic. While Jack ended up frozen and dead, he ended up in the last place he wanted to be and nearly dead. Thankfully, Prince Phillip, Princess Aurora and the warrior Mulan had found him just in time. Otherwise, he'd be worse off than Jack who at least had gotten to paint his love. He'd kill to be able to paint Emma (in clothes, other options were out of the question if he valued his life) but he never got the chance when he was in Storybrooke, running from one crisis to the next.

Well, at least he'd be free from soap operas while he was in the Enchanted Forest. What dramas could possibly happen here? People just tried to survive, to not be eaten by ogres or killed by trolls. They wouldn't have time for such dramas. Well, at least that was what he thought at that time, but then again, he was not a seer.

OK, back to his dark thoughts. All the facts mentioned above were not the cause. He was just frustrated that he had found no way to be reunited with Henry and Emma. Mulan and her friends said it wasn't easy to travel from one world to the next. He guessed that he was the_ lucky_ one to have ended up in so many worlds, most of them unwillingly and never in the world he actually wanted. He would have tried to find his own way to return, however his wound was quite debilitating. He got tired quickly because of the massive blood loss. Mulan had managed to dig out his bullet but it was hard for her to stop the infections, hence his on-again, off-again fevers. Today his fever was definitely _on_. So far Mulan could only use some herbs to treat his fever. She said that herbs used to stop infection and to add blood were not common in this part of the forest. He would stock up on antibiotics when he was back in the land without magic and thank Alexander Fleming profusely for his invention._Hey, he read some of Henry's textbooks while his son unfortunately was more interested in the fairy tales_. He was also worried for the safety of his son, Emma, even his father and the rest of the people in Storybrooke since Tamara didn't work alone and she hated magic. He really hated feeling helpless. That reminded him too much of his initial time in Neverland. He would really welcome some distractions right about now.

As if on cue, Prince Phillip walked into his tent.

"How are you feeling today, Neal?"

"Well, could be better but I can't really complain. What can I do to help today? Have you finished hunting? I can cook for you now if you'd like."

Neal tried to help out as much as he could, but in his weakened state he couldn't be on his feet for too long so he usually did the cleaning, tidying up, and cooking.

Phillip laughed uncharacteristically nervously. "Oh, don't worry about cooking yet. Mulan hasn't come back from the hunt and Aurora hasn't returned from her mushroom picking. We do like your cooking, though. Where did you learn that?"

Neal recognized small talk when he saw it. It was practically his operating mode during his thieving days. "It's a long story and I don't think you came here to talk about how I learned to cook. Is there anything in particular that I can help you with?"

Phillip sat down heavily opposite him and released his breath. "I'm glad you asked. I'm not sure about my feelings anymore. There are only four of us and I have feelings for two of them … so you're the only one left I can talk to."

Neal had a bad feeling about this. Gone was his dream for a soap-opera-free lifestyle!

_TBC_

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_**Author's Note:**_

-I have nothing against soap operas or K-dramas, in fact I watched some of them. It's just how Neal's life has been.

-I really shouldn't start something new when I still have a lot of other stories to finish. However, sailsonthisvessel from Tumblr prompted me. I'm as able to stay away from writing humorous fics as Neal from living soap-opera lifestyle. On the plus side, I hope this story won't be long.

-Please let me know what you think especially how he could escape from this soap opera trio since portal doesn't grown on tree.


	2. Phillip's Confession

Thanks to RainMirror for betaing this chapter for me!

_Warning_: A bit crackish and also angsty.

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"I beg your pardon? I don't understand what you mean," Neal lied. He understood completely what Phillip meant. You had to be particularly dense to not notice the way Phillip looked at both women, and the way both women looked at Phillip. He blushed at his final thought, about the way the two women looked at each other. He hoped he had misunderstood their whole situation.

"Uhm, as y-you know my t-true love is Aurora. I b-broke her sleeping curse by k-kissing her. However, ... well, you know …," Phillip stammered.

Neal resisted rolling his eyes. _Life is so simple in the Enchanted Forest__.__ Just get yourself cursed of the sleeping variety __and__ then you'll know who your true love is. If your true love is dead or in another realm, then you're doomed!_ He said, "No, I don't know. You need to explain it to me."

Phillip looked flustered. "I thought you would have noticed. I, er, I may have feelings for Mulan as well."

"Are you sure they are not brotherly feelings? Sometime when you spend a lot of time with someone, you bond and treat them like your siblings." Well, at least that had been the case for him and Wendy. Perhaps he was too young then to harbor any romantic feelings.

"Do you usually want to kiss your sister or spend an eternity with her?" Phillip blushed.

"Well, I've never had a sister so I wouldn't know."

"Neal, don't play dumb. I asked whether it was normal to want to kiss your sister."

It was Neal's turn to be nervous. He fidgeted with his scarf subconsciously. He hated dealing with emotional issues, especially when a third party was involved. That reminded him too much of Hook and his parents, or Tamara, him and Emma. He couldn't even figure out his own love life and had ended up getting shot and stranded in another realm. His advice might prove deadly for Phillip. He couldn't have that on his conscience.

Phillip was getting impatient. "Why must you do that?" he asked. "It's quite distracting."

Neal was perplexed. "Sorry, I don't know how to answer your question, so I'll stay quiet. I'm still thinking."

"No, not _that_! Of course I know my feelings for Mulan are romantic, not sisterly. I just need to make sure I'm still sane. Given your history, you may have a solution. I was actually referring to you pulling your scarf at both ends."

"Oh, sorry, it's a nervous habit of mine." He quickly released his hold on the scarf.

"Do you know that the shirt you're wearing is for a knight? They don't usually wear scarves."

Neal's own shirt had been soaked with blood so it couldn't be salvaged. Phillip had lent him his linen shirt sans armor.

"Well, perhaps they should consider wearing it. What if it's too cold?"

"If you wear a scarf, an enemy or an ogre can snatch it then you'll be dead."

"Well, if you let an ogre to be that _close_ to you, you're doomed anyway! It won't matter whether or not you wear a scarf."

Both Neal and Phillip burst out laughing at the silliness of their arguments. Their initial tension and awkwardness broke.

Neal rubbed the back of his head. "So you and Mulan... How do you think Mulan feels?"

"I don't know. She may have feelings for me too but I'm not so sure. Perhaps my emotions are clouding my judgment so I'm seeing things that aren't really there."

That reminded Neal of Emma's expression whenever Tamara was around. He regretted having the audacity to tease Emma about it. She must be hurting. That was his defense mechanism, turning things into jokes so people wouldn't see how much something hurt him. Emma, however, was more of a straight shooter. He really shouldn't do this to her. He guessed that he would need to beg for her forgiveness once he got back to Storybrooke, whenever _that_ was. That was a depressing thought.

Phillip waved his hand in front of his face. "Are you still with me? I hope your herbs don't space you out again."

Well, the herbs Mulan used were really strong. One of the ingredients was poppy seeds, which he knew was just another name for opium. No wonder he sometimes spaced out or got high. Well, at least he could have that excuse whenever he couldn't answer a difficult question.

"Sorry, I was just thinking. Have you considered talking to her directly? Ask her how she feels?"

"Are you crazy? Have you seen Mulan? She doesn't do talking, especially about feelings."

In a way, Mulan was a lot like Emma…only scarier! He could definitely sympathize with Phillip.

"Perhaps you could confess your feelings to Mulan but bring Aurora along?" Neal noticed that Phillip's face had turned a bright shade of pink. He could feel his own face getting warmer for even suggesting it. If he were a Christian from the Land Without Magic, he would be so going to Hell! At least that was based on the flyers people thrust into his hand occasionally. Luckily, he was not from the land without magic. He wasn't sure where he'd end up when he died, but hopefully it wasn't Neverland. He shuddered. Henry was so going to kill him for ruining the true loves of his fairy tales.

He took a deep breath and continued. "I don't think she'd be that angry if you brought Aurora along."

Phillip spluttered, "But .. but … both of them may get angry at the same time and Aurora will break up with me."

"Then don't say anything. Just leave things be and stay with Aurora."

"But I feel like I can't go on without confessing."

Neal he thought that his own life must be the most screwed up, he was shocked to find out there were some people competing for that.

"Then do."

"But …"

"Well, if you want to confess, you may as well do it upfront. Don't wait until your life is on the balance and you're literally hanging off the edge of a portal."

"Uhm, what? Oh sorry, I keep forgetting your own story is just as fantastic. And you said we were fairy tale characters in your world? Perhaps people in your world are also depicted as fairy tales in our world. Are you sure _you_ are not a fairy tale character?"

_OK, this is getting too deep and existential_. Neal was not up for this kind of discussion, especially in his situation. He had confessed that he was originally from this world but he had never explained who he was. Phillip assumed he was just a normal peasant, which was actually true. He just failed to mention who his father was. He didn't approve of what his father had done so he disassociated himself from him.

He deflected. "This is about you, not me. Well, if you want to confess, it's best not to do it behind Aurora's back. That'll be unfair to her." That reminded him of Emma, although he had gotten engaged to Tamara when he didn't even know whether Emma still had feelings for him. "If Aurora accepts you have feelings for Mulan, that's great. But if she doesn't, then the three of you need to work out who you want to be with so there won't be hurt feelings in the end. Sometimes you need to let go for the sake of the people you love."

He felt his eyes begin to water as this was hitting way too close to home. He quickly dabbed his eyes with a cloth. "Sorry, the herbs must be starting to take effect." It wasn't a total lie because Mulan's herbs did have some weird effects on him. He was worried that they might act as a truth serum and the fact that he was the Dark One's son would come out. He would pay anything, OK, _nearly anything_, to get a hold of proper antibiotics.

Phillip mulled it over for a while. Finally, he said, "I guess you're right. I need to be upfront with them. It's only fair. If I end up without any love, can I still count on you as a friend or at least as a sympathetic ear?"

Neal was touched that Phillip trusted him so much. "I'll be here for you, no matter what the outcome is. Of course I'll still try to get back to my world, but I'll always lend a sympathetic ear."

He started to feel dizzy. He often wondered what other ingredients Mulan used. Luckily, Phillip noticed that he was getting tired. "Thanks for your advice, Neal! I'd better let you rest."

* * *

For two days, nothing happened. Either Mulan and Aurora had accepted what Phillip had to say or Phillip hadn't said anything. He bet it was the latter.

On the third day, he was washing their clothes at the river when he heard two sets of footsteps behind him. He turned around and, unsurprisingly, Mulan and Aurora were there. He bowed. "Good morning, Princess Aurora, Mulan! What can I do for you?"

Mulan stormed up to him and slapped his left cheek. "How dare you!" she exclaimed before hurrying off.

Aurora was shocked. "Sorry about that!" she said timidly, after regaining her composure. "I didn't expect her to be so angry. Neal, we need to talk. It's about what you suggested to Phillip."

Neal could still feel the sharp sting on his face. He had actually _expected_ this would happen, but it still hurt. He should count himself lucky that she didn't use her sword. He inwardly groaned and insincerely said, "At your service."

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**Notes:**

-Sorry about the Christian thing, but there're indeed some flyers suggesting that.

-RainMirror, thanks for the review. Belle will appear in the future as you suggested.

-meresger, I implemented what you said but not to the full extent as I couldn't really suggest the threesome.

-Since we don't know much about Phillip and the trio; and only a little bit of Neal, I hope they aren't OOC.


End file.
